Control issues

Do I really have control over other people, places and things?

NO, but boy do I like to think I do! I can drive myself crazy getting caught up in "Why did he do that, why didn't he do what I said" Why would someone say that... yadda yadda yadda.

I struggled a lot with remembering that I have no control over others today!! While I did not push myself on anyone, I did have some serious internal dialog that have me reeling with fear. You know that fear of what happens when I am not "in control".

Example, not a big fan of one of the boyfriends use "pleasure enhancers". Now I have an open dialog about illegal drugs and alcohol with my kids, and they know I do not condone the use of either. However, when they go out with their friends to parties, they will ultimately make choices I have NO control over. Because I have no dialog with the boyfriend I think I get even more nervous about him. I feel powerless, which I am, but I feel even more powerless over this guy that I don't know like I do my children. I am not being fair to him, but my FEAR is based on my experience with boyfriends/husbands who partake. I am trying to control my daughter very subtly, through new rules and even Guilt ( yes yes guilt). I am wrong you know.. I know I am wrong, but I am MORE FEARFUL about what "could" happen that I have thrown all my healthy thinking in the garbage. Instead of trusting my higher power and using all the tools I have to combat this kind of thinking.

I try to control everything that I fear, because it makes me feel like I determine the outcome if I "think" I am in control. ( holy crap did I just type that)

That sentences proves to me that I am officially delusional! I control because I fear.. I used to think I controlled because I was better than you at EVERYTHING so it just made sense for me to handle everyone's shit.

I am going to use my "control" complete my post for today.. I wonder what philosophical dilemma I will have to think through tomorrow!!!

Night night