What do you do when you cannot help

Say the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

What a wonderful, poignant, simple prayer.

Give me peace.
Give me acceptance
Give me courage
Give me clarity

That is what each of those lines makes me think of. Giving me peace, to settle down, not start the rapid "merry-go-round" thinking that occurs when I find myself in a stressful situation. Give me peace to not react and just "be" so I can figure things out.
Give me acceptance of the lack of control I have in reality over people places and things
Give me courage to change myself, or my mind, or my physical location in order to obtain peace.
Give me clarity and humility to know exactly where I fit in this puzzle of life. That I am but a single peace responsible for only myself.

I could talk about that prayer and its significance in my life in every blog every day. Because it is the most used tool in my kit to get through the day without crying or going manic..

I pray that I God's will be done in all things.. Because my will, as fun as it may seem, is certainly not in the best interest of the rest of the folks in this world.

Serene sleep here I come.

Good night

Brittany's Back update

B has been suffering with back pain for about 3 months. Saturday it was very uncomfortable. Sunday morning at 5:30 am, she came into my bedroom in tears. She had been vomiting, all night and was in severe pain. I put my hand on her head and she was burning up... Back ache my butt!!!

We were at the hospital by 6 am, triage by 6:05 and in a bed by 6:10.

The first thing they did was take urine, thinking it was a bladder infection. The urine did not show bacteria levels sufficient to warrant the kind of pain she was in. So a CAT scan was ordered.

My father came down to see her with Buddha and he is not old enough to visit, so at 11 am I took him to get a snack and get some air. While I was gone, they gave her morphine. No biggy I knew she was getting it, but we did not know it would make her start shaking violently and vomiting. Benadryl and nausea medication was administered.

All this time she needed to drink some contrast fluid for her C scan. But it was not easy.. finally she plugged her nose and got 1/2 of it down. Just in time for the tech to come and wheel her into the radiology wing of the hospital...

Well 2 hours later, we get the results Britt has an acute kidney infection. They were able to determine that from the scan. She had an infection that is usually very noticeable on females but she did not have any of the symptoms.. Go figure.

Well last night she called me from her room and asked if I would lay with her, she had a nightmare (probably from the percocet) and she just could not get comfy.. So 2am rolled around and I convinced her we should turn off the tv and go to sleep... well I awoke with a start at 8:15.. 15 minutes after I am usually at work. Ha ahaha.. Her fever broke and she is actually feeling a little better.

She is staying in bed and resting which means, she really is not back to her old self...

Thank goodness!

Busy day and I didn't even get to clean the house...

First of all I hate cleaning the house! I always have to clean, everyone is always leaving something somewhere it does not belong! Dog hair, cat hair, and little pieces of fabric and thread are mainstays.

Today was a whirl wind of activity..
Woke up, feed buddha, headed to walgreens and walmart
Got home, made lunch, ate lunch ,sewed for 2 hours ( almost finished with school dress #1)
reclined for 30 minutes.. Got ready to see movie.

Saw District 9... Good movie,,, met friends for wings ( I had salad) home by 845...

Watched Son of Rambow with Brittany, her back is hurting and I wanted to spend some time with her.. Buddha joined us and everyone feel asleep until 11. Got up , moved Buddha, who is still settling back down, hence the blog.

Now what a busy day and I did not clean.. Well wait I did clean. I discovered we have a leak in the kitchen sink, I was looking for meyers scouring powder and I found "mildew" instead... So I cleaned that up dried it really good and went through all my cleaning supplies... Oh and dishes.. I do dishes every day no matta what...

I was so busy I was unable to get philosophical... DAMN IT..

There is always in my dreams!

Nite nite!

Funky Friday observation.....

Ladies, when you use a public restroom do you let your pants fall to your ankles?????

I saw someone in my work restroom who had their pants down around the ankles. I swear I have never noticed this before, and I felt awkward about it...

No judgment just an observation.....

Control issues

Do I really have control over other people, places and things?

NO, but boy do I like to think I do! I can drive myself crazy getting caught up in "Why did he do that, why didn't he do what I said" Why would someone say that... yadda yadda yadda.

I struggled a lot with remembering that I have no control over others today!! While I did not push myself on anyone, I did have some serious internal dialog that have me reeling with fear. You know that fear of what happens when I am not "in control".

Example, not a big fan of one of the boyfriends use "pleasure enhancers". Now I have an open dialog about illegal drugs and alcohol with my kids, and they know I do not condone the use of either. However, when they go out with their friends to parties, they will ultimately make choices I have NO control over. Because I have no dialog with the boyfriend I think I get even more nervous about him. I feel powerless, which I am, but I feel even more powerless over this guy that I don't know like I do my children. I am not being fair to him, but my FEAR is based on my experience with boyfriends/husbands who partake. I am trying to control my daughter very subtly, through new rules and even Guilt ( yes yes guilt). I am wrong you know.. I know I am wrong, but I am MORE FEARFUL about what "could" happen that I have thrown all my healthy thinking in the garbage. Instead of trusting my higher power and using all the tools I have to combat this kind of thinking.

I try to control everything that I fear, because it makes me feel like I determine the outcome if I "think" I am in control. ( holy crap did I just type that)

That sentences proves to me that I am officially delusional! I control because I fear.. I used to think I controlled because I was better than you at EVERYTHING so it just made sense for me to handle everyone's shit.

I am going to use my "control" complete my post for today.. I wonder what philosophical dilemma I will have to think through tomorrow!!!

Night night

Choices

Each day I get a chance to make many choices.
I chose to...

1. get out of bed, shower and go to work.
2. feed tony and give him his medication
3. Work hard for 8 hour....
4. Come home from work
   
5. visit with my family for a few hours
   

and the list goes on..

I used to believe these were requirements of life, but I know now that they are not, they are choices. I changed my perspective on this when I realized I hated myself and my life. I hated that I could not say no to anyone. I hated that I could not decide what I wanted out of life. I hated that I could not make a decision for myself without massive amounts of frustration. I could however help you make a choice and all I did was worry about others, while I became more and more miserable.

Today I think of myself first, my thinking is "self centered". I am not talking about self absorbed narcissism, it is actually the opposite. I am talking about a healthy dose of self awareness to help me make better decisions so that I get what I need out of my day. Do I do things for others "yes" but only when I am asked and when it is convenient in my schedule. When I make these better choices my performance is maximized because I am getting everything I need out of my time.

Life is to short to not live it doing what makes me happy at least 70% of the time. As long as I balance fun with responsibility I smile all day long instead of yell and spout bitterness.

Now I am choosing to end my rant and go to bed...

Make better choices for yourself and happiness will follow

The Perfection Perspective

I believe I live in a world full imperfect perfectionists. I know I am guilty of being judgmental of others while my life is OUT OF CONTROL. I am striving to go back to simple living, one of giving 100% to all things and not judging the outcome, not judging others , and being happy with what I have in my life right this minute.

What you can expect is lots of sarcastic, honest, funny stories that are my life as I see it... You will get the problems in my own words, my part in the problem and what I believe is the path to solution.

I will keep it in my own words focusing on how I feel and not what I think others feel. Should be fun!!!!